Musings of a Poor College Student

So, this is technically a repost. I didn't like the format of the other ones, so I deleted them. Anyways, this post will explain what I like to call the 3 legs of life. It was a concept explained in a YouTube video I once watched and I thought it was interesting. So basically, it's like this. There are 3 legs of life. Social, love, and work. Social includes things like hanging out with your friends, or family, or whoever. Love is obvious. Work also includes school. So, you have those three legs. In order to be good at ony one of them, you have to focus on that one more than the other two. I think of it like this. You have 100% focus to work with. You CAN give 1/3 of that focus to each leg, but then each leg will only have around 33% focus. That's not alot. You'll basically suck at everything. You can distribute your focus however you want, but being a jack of all trades doesn't seem to be very conducive to liking life. So, what are your priorities? How do YOU distr...

So, I was told I can be creative with this. As a result, I've decided to do something different every time. Something that gets me far out of my comfort zone. It's my belief that doing things you don't normally do is the best way to get to know yourself. Today I did.......five finger fillet, or the knife game. And I must say. I've found my new hobby. That was so fucking fun. It really was. Before whoever reading this gets their panties up in a bunch about safety, don't worry. I'm not stupid. I got a knife. Towels and stuff to clean and treat the cuts I'll inevitably get. Also, said cuts are pretty harmless. Sure, they hurt. That hurt will make the body learn to fuck up less. Other than that, it's not dangerous. You aren't slamming the knife down, just tapping it. Hard enough to cut sure, but not hard enough to stab through your hand or anything. Most times, it just deflects off. I did stab my thumb right in the middle when I was going at it pretty ha...

I think everybody is hypocritical about at least one thing. It's unavoidable. If nothing else, I've learned one thing this week. I DO help people in need. I thought for the longest time that I would just not care. Not my business. Leave it alone. All that stuff. And maybe that is how I think, but I help anyways. Why? To answer that, I need to explain a bit about myself. As you should well know by now, I'm autistic. That fact has haunted me my whole life. In more ways then one. In this case, it was fake kindness. I've talked about this before. People befriended me because I was the autistic kid. The one with no friends. Not because they wanted to get to know me. They pitied me. It was more than that though. They wanted to look good. Think about it. How nice do you look if you befriend the autistic kid? It couldn't have less to do with being kind. It's simply selfish. That's fake kindness. Now that is out of the way, let's go back to the main question. Why...

I'm often asked what I fear. I don't fear many things. Or many people. It's because of my asberger's, I'm told. Despite the fact that heights, spiders, snakes, terrorists, and all those common fears do not affect me in any way, I'm not actually fearless. Not truly. I do fear one thing. Failure. It's not an easy thing to describe. For me, being seen as a fool is worse than death. They say that the clever man plays the fool. If that's true, then I don't want to be clever. I don't really care about how people see me for the most part. Which is why this fear is pretty paradoxical to my usual demeanor. You ask why i'm bringing this up. It's because I had a recent run-in with failure. I made a mistake. An absolutely stupid mistake. The kind of mistake only a fool would make. That mistake cost me my job. Immediately, all my fears were realized in one singular day. I did eventually get my job back, but the fact that I know they all see me as a fo...

Lately, I haven't been thinking very much. Weird as that may sound, it's true. I've pretty much been actively avoiding it. Trying to just enjoy life and live in the moment as best I can. It's been weird. Not living in my own head like I always have. Weird, but not bad. Not good either, just weird. Lately I've gone back to my usual self. Can't say I enjoyed the absence. Can't say I enjoyed the return. What I do know is that this is how I'm meant to be. Ever thinking about things. Pondering the questions that matter to me. Living in my own head. That's me. Whether I like it or not.

All anybody does is what they want.

All anybody does is what they want. Without exception. There is no such thing as being forced to do something. Unless somebody is controlling your every action. Everything happens as a direct result of something you did or did not do. Whether you had a realistic way of knowing what would happen or not is irrelevant. It's classic cause and effect. You choose not to bring pepper spray with you on your way to work, and you get raped. You could have done a potentially infinite amount of things to prevent this. Like not going to work. But you chose that. And that is what happened as a result. You only did what you wanted. That's all you ever do. So imagine somebody ties you up so you cannot resist and rapes you. Then you are being forced right? Well yeah, but you aren't really doing anything as much as things are being done to you. And still, it happened as a result of something you did or did not do. Everything does. Everything happens as a direct result of your actions. You m...