Musings of a Poor College Student

I think everybody is hypocritical about at least one thing. It's unavoidable. If nothing else, I've learned one thing this week. I DO help people in need. I thought for the longest time that I would just not care. Not my business. Leave it alone. All that stuff. And maybe that is how I think, but I help anyways. Why? To answer that, I need to explain a bit about myself. As you should well know by now, I'm autistic. That fact has haunted me my whole life. In more ways then one. In this case, it was fake kindness. I've talked about this before. People befriended me because I was the autistic kid. The one with no friends. Not because they wanted to get to know me. They pitied me. It was more than that though. They wanted to look good. Think about it. How nice do you look if you befriend the autistic kid? It couldn't have less to do with being kind. It's simply selfish. That's fake kindness. Now that is out of the way, let's go back to the main question. Why

I'm often asked what I fear. I don't fear many things. Or many people. It's because of my asberger's, I'm told. Despite the fact that heights, spiders, snakes, terrorists, and all those common fears do not affect me in any way, I'm not actually fearless. Not truly. I do fear one thing. Failure. It's not an easy thing to describe. For me, being seen as a fool is worse than death. They say that the clever man plays the fool. If that's true, then I don't want to be clever. I don't really care about how people see me for the most part. Which is why this fear is pretty paradoxical to my usual demeanor. You ask why i'm bringing this up. It's because I had a recent run-in with failure. I made a mistake. An absolutely stupid mistake. The kind of mistake only a fool would make. That mistake cost me my job. Immediately, all my fears were realized in one singular day. I did eventually get my job back, but the fact that I know they all see me as a fo

Lately, I haven't been thinking very much. Weird as that may sound, it's true. I've pretty much been actively avoiding it. Trying to just enjoy life and live in the moment as best I can. It's been weird. Not living in my own head like I always have. Weird, but not bad. Not good either, just weird. Lately I've gone back to my usual self. Can't say I enjoyed the absence. Can't say I enjoyed the return. What I do know is that this is how I'm meant to be. Ever thinking about things. Pondering the questions that matter to me. Living in my own head. That's me. Whether I like it or not.