My oppressive fear of failure and foolishness

I'm often asked what I fear. I don't fear many things. Or many people. It's because of my asberger's, I'm told. Despite the fact that heights, spiders, snakes, terrorists, and all those common fears do not affect me in any way, I'm not actually fearless. Not truly. I do fear one thing. Failure. It's not an easy thing to describe. For me, being seen as a fool is worse than death. They say that the clever man plays the fool. If that's true, then I don't want to be clever. I don't really care about how people see me for the most part. Which is why this fear is pretty paradoxical to my usual demeanor. You ask why i'm bringing this up. It's because I had a recent run-in with failure. I made a mistake. An absolutely stupid mistake. The kind of mistake only a fool would make. That mistake cost me my job. Immediately, all my fears were realized in one singular day. I did eventually get my job back, but the fact that I know they all see me as a fool is terrifying to me. Every day, I'm chock full of anxiety. I know the only way to success is by failure. After all, the only way to grow is by challenge. I know all I have to do is learn from my foolish mistake and move on. But it's hard. In the same way that it's hard for someone with an oppressive fear of spiders to kill one. Even if that may be the only logical solution. It's still rediculously difficult. That's why I must continue to go to work. Face my fears and prove I'm not a fool. Not a failure. I'll face my fears, because that's the only way forward. The only way to grow.

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