Laziness

It's been a while yet again since I last kept up with this. Mostly I've just been lazy. The title of this post. Laziness. As is common with me, I find myself wondering who I want to be. I'm a musician now. I play in a band called Gigas and it's alot of fun. That's where I've been focusing alot of my effort, and it's been therapeutic for me much like how this blog was. But it's wrought me a ton of questions. Like whether I want to pursue music as a career. It's something I've pretty much always wanted to do. Ever since I was little. But you know. It's not something to be relied on. So my fall back is law school. Yeah that's right, me a lawyer. It's pretty nuts to think about. But is it what I really want? I find myself dating this girl. And I like her, I really do. But part of me wonders whether I should be with her. Whether I'm at my best at my worst. Weird as that may sound, I often feel it's true. That I'm most miserable when I'm happy and most happy when I'm miserable. Which is a vicious cycle that has haunted me for my whole life. Loneliness, self loathing, and hatred for everything around me. The feeling of pessimism and nihilism surrounding life. Part of me wonders if that's all I deserve. To wallow in that abyss. If the best me comes out of it. But then I think about what I could be. A fun loving law school student with a great girlfriend. Happy. But would I be? Really? I certainly wouldn't be the best me I can be. Ultimately, I come back to the title of this post. Laziness. I probably should think about this topic and topics like it more, but I'm just too lazy. It seems to hard. Or maybe. I just might not like the conclusion I come to.

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