Musings of a Poor College Student

I think everybody is hypocritical about at least one thing. It's unavoidable. If nothing else, I've learned one thing this week. I DO help people in need. I thought for the longest time that I would just not care. Not my business. Leave it alone. All that stuff. And maybe that is how I think, but I help anyways. Why? To answer that, I need to explain a bit about myself. As you should well know by now, I'm autistic. That fact has haunted me my whole life. In more ways then one. In this case, it was fake kindness. I've talked about this before. People befriended me because I was the autistic kid. The one with no friends. Not because they wanted to get to know me. They pitied me. It was more than that though. They wanted to look good. Think about it. How nice do you look if you befriend the autistic kid? It couldn't have less to do with being kind. It's simply selfish. That's fake kindness. Now that is out of the way, let's go back to the main question. Why...

I'm often asked what I fear. I don't fear many things. Or many people. It's because of my asberger's, I'm told. Despite the fact that heights, spiders, snakes, terrorists, and all those common fears do not affect me in any way, I'm not actually fearless. Not truly. I do fear one thing. Failure. It's not an easy thing to describe. For me, being seen as a fool is worse than death. They say that the clever man plays the fool. If that's true, then I don't want to be clever. I don't really care about how people see me for the most part. Which is why this fear is pretty paradoxical to my usual demeanor. You ask why i'm bringing this up. It's because I had a recent run-in with failure. I made a mistake. An absolutely stupid mistake. The kind of mistake only a fool would make. That mistake cost me my job. Immediately, all my fears were realized in one singular day. I did eventually get my job back, but the fact that I know they all see me as a fo...

Lately, I haven't been thinking very much. Weird as that may sound, it's true. I've pretty much been actively avoiding it. Trying to just enjoy life and live in the moment as best I can. It's been weird. Not living in my own head like I always have. Weird, but not bad. Not good either, just weird. Lately I've gone back to my usual self. Can't say I enjoyed the absence. Can't say I enjoyed the return. What I do know is that this is how I'm meant to be. Ever thinking about things. Pondering the questions that matter to me. Living in my own head. That's me. Whether I like it or not.

All anybody does is what they want.

All anybody does is what they want. Without exception. There is no such thing as being forced to do something. Unless somebody is controlling your every action. Everything happens as a direct result of something you did or did not do. Whether you had a realistic way of knowing what would happen or not is irrelevant. It's classic cause and effect. You choose not to bring pepper spray with you on your way to work, and you get raped. You could have done a potentially infinite amount of things to prevent this. Like not going to work. But you chose that. And that is what happened as a result. You only did what you wanted. That's all you ever do. So imagine somebody ties you up so you cannot resist and rapes you. Then you are being forced right? Well yeah, but you aren't really doing anything as much as things are being done to you. And still, it happened as a result of something you did or did not do. Everything does. Everything happens as a direct result of your actions. You m...

What makes me get up in the morning? What makes me choose to go on a date? What makes me go to college? What makes me go to work? What makes me live? Well, it really isn't that complicated. I do what I have to in order to avoid boredom and seek entertainment. I like to be amused. I like to enjoy life. Everything I do is for my entertainment. I don't pretend that it's some noble goal, but does it have to be? If it's what allows me to live my life, then why can't it be a little selfish?

Hedonism. An interesting concept to be sure. Hedonism. The pursuit of pleasure and self-indulgence. Ethically, it's the idea that pleasure is the absolute good. It's quite similar to utilitarianism. In fact, one could say they go hand in hand. The idea is to maximize utility. Utility being happiness and pleasure. That coincided pretty well no? But just talking the non-ethical part. That being the active pursuit of pleasure. It's more like a way of life. I'd say that the main way I try to live is to avoid boredom. Stay amused. That's my pursuit. But by the same coin, hedonism is my pursuit. Avoiding boredom and pursuing amusement is pleasure of the highest degree to me. This fact makes me a stark hedonist. And why shouldn't I be? Because it's sinful? Immoral? Yeah, according to whom? God? Doesn't exist. Culture? Screw that noise. Doing what makes me happy should be what I do in life. Who is to say that is wrong? I'd say those people are nothing but se...