I want something genuine

I recently talked about a novel series I am currently reading. I mentioned it in my post about pessimism, realism, and optimism. Recently, the protagonist had a moment inside the novel that spoke to me. He had this to say "Expecting others to read your mind is delusional. But... But... I... I...It's not empty words I'm after. There was something else I desired all along. Not mutual understanding, friendship, companionship, or anything of the sort. I don't care about being understood. I simply wish to understand. Understand, know, and rest easy in that knowledge-- gain some peace of mind. Wanting to know people inside-out because being in the dark terrifies me is an awfully self-indulgent, egoistic, and arrogant wish. It's downright despicable and disgusting. Having a desire like that makes me sick to the stomach! But if it's at all possible to share that desire-- if it's possible to have a relationship where you're free to burden one another with that repulsive self-gratification...I know that it's out of the question! I know that it's out of my reach! Even so! Even so, I... I want something genuine."
This speaks to me on an incredibly personal level. Although he seemingly explains it here, even he does not know what this genuine thing is. All he knows is that he longs for it. He wants to seek it out in any way possible. He says so in the exact same scene as that quote.  I also...........seek something. I have thought so for a long time now.

Story time

It was my 10th grade year in high school when I started noticing something. I felt a hole. I was missing something. Seeing others interact, seeing the world, seeing life continue; all of these things made that clear. I struggled. What was I missing? What didn't I understand? I longed to understand. I wanted to know. Before that, I didn't care about much of anything. I was going to dropout of high school at 17 and be the garbage man of my dreams. I was content with that until this realization. Suddenly, I became an honor student. The reason I gave was that I wanted to go to college. I convinced myself that I loved biology, so I was going to go for that. I just wanted an out. I didn't want to think about what I really wanted, so I rationalized my actions. I was lying to myself. I was really just searching for what I didn't understand. What I longed for. Come 11th grade, I started to realize that I was just lying to myself. I started feeling that longing from before again. I still did not understand it, but I wanted to. Thus, I started as the team manager for the football team. Throughout the season, I tried to become more social. I was not much more than a lifeless robot that never talked prior to this, so I thought that becoming social has to be the next step in finding what I was searching for. I saw the brotherhood of the team, and I experienced companionship. It was a very new experience. I thought "this must be it" by the end of the season. "This has to be what I wanted" I thought. So I became much more sociable. Suddenly, I had friends. I had companionship. I even joined the football team itself in my senior year to further this goal. After a while though, I started to realize something. I still felt that longing. It never went away. If anything, it became more profound. I desperately wanted to find it. To understand. I eventually found myself a girlfriend as another branch of my search. I thought "if what I want isn't intelligence/high rank, friendship, companionship, or anything else I have tried. Then it has to be love right?" So I thought. Although it made me happy to experience my first real relationship, I never once thought "I found it!". If anything, I became frustrated over not having found it. Since then, I have gotten a job. Two even. I am in my second(soon to be third) semester at college. I have tons of friends. I did break up with my girlfriend from senior year, but its not like she was helping my search anyways. I still haven't found what I want. What I have searched for. I am still looking. Always looking. Even this blog can be seen as yet another branch of this search. The search for my genuine thing.

In conclusion. I think the protagonist's thoughts on the matter perfectly mirror mine. Both of us are searching for something. Neither of us understand, but want to. We do not even know what we want to know or what we are even searching for, just that we want it. His genuine thing may not even be my genuine thing. Our genuine things may be completely different. Maybe his is the same as mine, maybe not. I cannot possibly say, since neither of us really know. What is my genuine thing? What is it that I am looking for? What is it that I want to understand? Will I ever find my genuine thing?

 Who can say. I can say that until I do, I will never stop looking for it. Not until I die. After all,

I want something genuine